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Items of Interest

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car.

Some thoughts to meditate upon......

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to
keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with
flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision.

When I get a headache, I take two aspirin & keep away from children,
just like the bottle says.

Just once, I want the prompt for username & password to say, "Close enough".

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I've ever done.

"Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo".

I hate it when I can't figure out how to operate the iPad & my tech
support guy is asleep. He's 5 & it's past his bedtime.

Todays 3-year-olds can switch on their laptops & open their favourite
apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

Tip for a successful marriage: don't ask your wife when dinner will
be ready while she's mowing the lawn.

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" & renamed it the "Jim".
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press 1 for English, when you're just going to
transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.

Your people skills are fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

"On time" is when you get there.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it does muffle the sound.

It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the drier for ten
minutes, then come out wrinkle-free & three sizes smaller.

"One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.

Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.

Don't Mess with Old Folks

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